i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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