words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
