I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
