Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
