I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
