Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize