yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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