It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
