I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
