Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
