Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
