Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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