did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
