She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize