What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
