i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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