Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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