I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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