So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
