Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
