help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
