Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
