dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Randomize
