I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
