I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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