I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
