so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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