Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize