nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
