Cold hands, warm shart.
im holly from the hills drunk
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
