I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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