I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
