it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
