having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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