Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
