Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
