She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Randomize
