just tell him i said nine months
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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