Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
