good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
