Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
