I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
