I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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