I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
