i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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