So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
