mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
