when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
