Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
