I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
