u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
It's never too late to be topless.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
