i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Randomize
