Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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