I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
