your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
