I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
