ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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