Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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