3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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