I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
